Shrekcules

Hercules part 7
'''Phil: Earth to Herc! Come in Herc! Come in Herc! We got a job to do, remember? Thebes is still waitin'.'''

'''Hercules: Yeah. Yeah. I know. [Megara walks into the forest and comes upon a rabbit and a small gopher]'''

'''Megara: Aw.. how cute. A couple of rodents looking for a theme park.'''

'''Pain (as a bunny): Who you callin' a rodent, sister? I'm a bunny!'''

'''Panic (as a gopher): A-and I'm his gopher.'''

'''Together: Ta-dah! [they turn into themselves]'''

Megara sighs: I thought I smelled a rat.

Hades: Meg.

Megara: Speak of the devil.

'''Hades: Meg, my little flower, my little bird, my little nut, Meg. What exactly happened here? I thought you were gonna persuade the river guardian to join my team for the uprising, and here I am, kind of river guardian-less.'''

Megara: I gave it my best shot, but he made me an offer I had to refuse.

'''Hades: Fine. So, instead of subtracting two years from your sentence, hey, I'm gonna add two on, okay? Give that your best shot.'''

'''Megara: It wasn't my fault. It was that wonderboy, Hercules.'''

'''Panic: Hercules? Why does that name ring a bell?'''

'''Pain: I don't know. Um, maybe we owe him money?'''

Hades: What was that name again?

'''Megara: Hercules. He comes on with this big, innocent farm boy routine but I could see through that in a peloponnesian minute.'''

<p align="Left">'''Pain: Wait a minute. Wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to—'''

<p align="Left">Pain and Panic: Oh my gods!

<p align="Left">Panic: Run for it!

<p align="Left">'''Hades: So you took care of him, huh? Dead as a door nail. Weren't those your exact words?'''

<p align="Left">Pain: This might be a different Hercules.

<p align="Left">'''Panic: Yeah! I mean, Hercules is a very popular name nowadays!'''

<p align="Left">'''Pain: Remember, like, a few years ago every other boy was named Jason and the girls were all named Brittany?'''

<p align="Left">'''Hades: I'm about to rearrange the Cosmos and the one schlemiel who can louse it up is waltzing around in the woods! [Hades explodes]'''

<p align="Left">'''Pain: Wait. Wait, big guy. We can still cut in on his waltzing.'''

<p align="Left">'''Panic: That's right! And-and-and at least we made him mortal, that's a good thing. Didn't we?'''

<p align="Left">'''Hades: Hmm.. Fortunately for the three of you we still have time to correct this rather egregious oversight. And this time, no foul-ups.'''

<p align="Left">{Meanwhile, Hercules and Phil are flying on Pegasus}

<p align="Left">'''Hercules: Wow! Is that all one town?'''

<p align="Left">'''Phil: One town. A million troubles. The one and only Thebes. The big olive itself. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. [they enter the crowd] Stick with me, kid. This city is a dangerous place. [they almost get hit by a passing carriage]'''

<p align="Left">Driver: Look where you're goin' numbskull!

<p align="Left">'''Phil: Hey, I'm walkin' here! You see what I mean? I'm tellin' you - wackos.'''

<p align="Left">Man: Pita bread, pita bread, get your pita bread here!

<p align="Left">'''Smuggler: Hey, Mack. [he opens his coat at Phil and Hercules]'''

<p align="Left">Phil: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

<p align="Left">Smuggler: You wanna buy a sundial?

<p align="Left">'''Phil: He's not interested, all right? Come on, kid.'''

<p align="Left">'''Man: The end is coming! Can't you feel it?'''

<p align="Left">'''Phil: Yes, yes. Thank you for the info. Yes. We'll ponder that for a while. (to Hercules) Just stare at the sidewalk. Come on. Don't make eye contact. People here are nuts. That's because they live in a city of turmoil. Trust me, kid, you're gonna be just what the doctor ordered.'''

<p align="Left">'''Woman: It was tragic! We lost everything in the fire'''

<p align="Left">'''Man: Everything except old Snowball here. [Snowball (a now black, and electrically shocked) cat meows]'''

<p align="Left">Strong man: Now, were the fires before or after the earthquake?

<p align="Left">Thin woman: They were after the earthquake, I remember

<p align="Left">Heavy woman: But before the flood.

<p align="Left">Old man: Don't even get me started on the crime rate

<p align="Left">Heavy woman: Thebes has certainly gone downfall in a hurry.

<p align="Left">'''Old man: Tell me about it. It seems like every time I turn around there's some new monster wreaking havoc and I—'''

<p align="Left">'''Man: All we need now is a plague or locusts. [Frog jumps in and scares everybody]'''

<p align="Left">'''Old man: That's it! I'm movin' to Sparta!'''

<p align="Left">'''Hercules: Excuse me. It uh *ahem* seems to me that what you folks need is a hero.'''

<p align="Left">Strong man: Yeah, and who are you?

<p align="Left">'''Hercules: I'm Hercules, and, uh, I happen to be... a hero. [crowd laughs]'''

<p align="Left">Old man: Is that so?

<p align="Left">Woman: A hero!

<p align="Left">Old man: Have you ever saved a town before?

<p align="Left">Hercules: Uh, no, uh, not exactly, but I—

<p align="Left">Strong man: Have you ever reversed a natural disaster?

<p align="Left">'''Hercules: Well, uh... no.'''

<p align="Left">'''Strong man: Oh, listen to this. He's just another chariot chaser. This we need.'''

<p align="Left">Woman: That's a laugh.

<p align="Left">Phil: Don't you pea brains get it?

<p align="Left">Woman: Hmm?

<p align="Left">Phil: This kid is a genuine article.

<p align="Left">Man: Hey, isn't that the goat-man who trained Achilles?

<p align="Left">Phil (Getting angry) Watch it pal!

<p align="Left">'''Strong man: Yeah, you're right. Hey, nice job on those heels! Ya' missed a spot!'''

<p align="Left">'''Phil: I got your heel right here! (Hits the man and starts beating him) I'll wipe that stupid grin off your face! You--'''

<p align="Left">'''Hercules: Hey Phil! Phil! Phil! Take it easy, Phil.'''

<p align="Left">'''Strong man: What are you, crazy? Sheesh'''

<p align="Left">'''Heavy woman: Young man, we need a professional hero. Not an amateur.'''

<p align="Left">'''Hercules: Well, wait. Stop! (Sighs) How am I supposed to prove myself a hero if nobody will give me a chance?'''

<p align="Left">Phil: You'll get your chance, you just need some kind of catastrophe or disaster.